Since I was twelve I’ve been in some type of relationship. I’m really secretive with acknowledging my partners to the world. I had a high school sweetheart turned full blown adult love that ended pretty drastically. I think I was really shaken up and confused about that breakup until recently. In my eyes I made myself look crazy. Sometimes, you have to let loose and let those emotions provide you with lessons you’ve missed in the past. Since that situation, I’ve been really quiet and really scared to do the whole “lets let the world know about our love” thing. I don’t like looking stupid. In return I’ve blocked a lot of potentially good guys. But to me, being madly in love with your “soulmate” one second and hating them the next looks crazy stupid. I’ve done that and people don’t let you live it down. No thank you! That s*** is scary. Nineteen year old me thought I would marry my then boyfriend. I was young and in love. I feel like I have to be 1,000,000 % sure with an engagement ring before I make those types of claims ever again. I’m still young and would hate to make that brash of a decision and be embarrassed.
I’ve tried the one night stand/fling things and it often results in the man wanting some type of long term relationship from me (believe it or not). Even if that relationship is just a close friendship. I have come to the conclusion that I’m a pretty dope woman. I strengthen any man who is blessed to be in my life. Anyone I’ve been with I can call right now and there would be no ill will. I’m extremely independent. I never ask anyone for anything (I need to stop this though. Sometimes you need people to know that they are appreciated and let them help you.) I move around pretty quietly. I don’t make a scene. I don’t cause any strife. I don’t argue. I always walk away from conflict. I check in on every man in my life. Literally, none of them could say I don’t. I often send words of praise to them just out of pure love. I never expect them to return the praise. They also never do—with no exception. I am a rock for all the men who walk into my life.
I give too much love. Sometimes you have to send the loving vibes without being too nice. It’s in my nature to do just that—be too nice but, not everyone can receive that love. Some people break you down when you build them up. A lot of times we self sabotage. I have to just accept that and send my love and light from a distance.
I’ve been alone , quite literally, for the last year and some change. I’m now taken by myself. Dating myself is a real learning experience. Its also a very necessary experience for the many millennials that are products of trauma and abuse (more specifically those of color). You can’t always blame you intimate and romantic troubles on your past partners. It’s more reflective to sit with yourself and question how you let someone treat you any less than the queen/king you are working to be. I, myself, see a lot of my parents chaotic ways in my past choices. I am twenty four. This is the best time to recognize that foolishness. I will no longer give my all to those that give me their baggage. I will no longer dim my strength to let someone else outshine mine. I will absolutely stop being afraid to show my affection toward others out of fear of looking crazy. That’s not the way this works. The first step with this change is being more vulnerable. I’m with myself. Though it feels uncomfortable, it is liberating.
Cheers to those that will be single this soon approaching Valentines Day. Take this time to reflect on yourself. If you strengthen your foundation the structure will be solid.